The Unadulting Society

the thing about building tiny worlds is that you're the god of them. everything is exactly where you put it. nothing happens without your permission. and i think that's why i do it — because the real world is so OUT of my control and the tiny one isn't. maybe that's not escapism. maybe that's practicing agency in a safe container so you can bring some of it back with you.

one thing that helped me: noticing where emotions LIVE in my body. rage is in my jaw and shoulders. grief is in my chest, heavy like a weight. anxiety is in my stomach, fluttering. when i can name the physical location, i can do something physical for it — heat on the jaw, pressure on the chest, cold on the stomach. the emotion doesn't go away but the body gets some relief, and sometimes that's enough to keep going.

I had to have this conversation with my 70-year-old dad and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. What worked: I didn't try to explain the mechanics. I focused on the analogy. I said: "Dad, imagine if someone followed you around the grocery store, writing down everything you put in your cart, and then posted it on a bulletin board at the town square with mean comments about your food choices. That's what's happening to me online. Strangers are following me around, collecting everything I post, and making fun of it in a public place. I'm not in physical danger, but it's scary and humiliating and I need you to just listen, not fix it." The grocery store analogy worked because it translated the digital experience into a physical one he could understand. He didn't get the specifics, but he got that I was being watched and mocked, and that was enough for him to be supportive without needing to become an internet expert.

Oh, this hit me in the stomach — managing your own pain AND your mom's reaction is an impossible emotional workload. When I explained something similar to my dad, I used a food analogy: "Imagine someone photographed your lunch and posted it saying you eat wrong, and hundreds of strangers piled on, and you're supposed to just not look at the comments." It wasn't perfect, but it helped him understand why "just ignore it" wasn't an option. It's okay to tell her you love her but need her to let you lead on this. Your bandwidth belongs to you first.

okay so i'm gonna share something vulnerable: i built the abandoned library during a really hard period and i didn't realize until months later that i was building a place where things that were left behind still had value. the books were still on the shelves. the chairs were still waiting. nothing was destroyed, just... waiting. and that was about me. i was the library. i just didn't know it yet.