The Unadulting Society

voice notes. i literally cannot text back but i CAN ramble into my phone for two minutes. my friends get voice memos instead of texts now and it works way better for my brain.

The guilt is real but so is the executive dysfunction around communication. 💛 I've been upfront with my close friends: "I love you. I care about you. I'm terrible at responding. It's not about you. My brain treats all messages as tasks and sometimes tasks are impossible." The friends who get it stay. The friends who don't... well, they weren't gonna work long-term anyway.

i have 47 unread texts right now. FORTY SEVEN. the notification badge has been there so long it's basically part of the home screen. i'm not ignoring anyone, i just... can't.

This is such a common autistic/ADHD experience and it's almost always pathologized as "social avoidance" when it's actually executive dysfunction + demand avoidance + energy management. Responding to a text isn't JUST typing words. It's: read the message, process the content, formulate an appropriate response, consider tone, re-read, send, handle whatever response comes back, maintain the conversation thread, remember to check back later. That's like seven steps. For someone with executive dysfunction, that's seven points of failure.

i have a friend who also has adhd and we have a "no pressure" texting pact. sometimes we go weeks without talking and then pick up mid-conversation like no time passed. it's the healthiest friendship i've ever had.

@lil_pawz voice notes are a game changer. i still feel weird leaving them but it's so much easier than typing.

I have a few pre-written scripts in my Notes app for when I finally reply after a long gap: - "Hey! I'm so sorry for the delayed response — low social battery week. How are you?" - "No excuses, just late. 💛 What's new?" - "I didn't forget about you, my brain just took the scenic route. How are things?" Having the script removes the "how do I even START this message after three weeks of silence" barrier.

@the_raccoon_king "My brain took the scenic route" — stealing that immediately.

I want to normalize something: you don't owe anyone instant availability. The expectation that we should be reachable 24/7 is less than 20 years old. Before smartphones, people left voicemails and it was normal to take DAYS to return a call. Our nervous systems didn't evolve for constant accessibility. You're not broken — the expectation is broken.

i lost a friendship over this once. she said "if you cared about me you'd respond faster." and i tried to explain that it's not about how much i care, it's about how my brain works, and she didn't get it. it still hurts but i'm trying to accept that some people won't understand.

I have different notification settings for different people. My partner and my mom can reach me anytime. Everyone else gets batched — I check messages at 10am and 4pm and that's it. Boundaries are not rudeness. Boundaries are how I maintain friendships without burning out.

After I deleted my social media, texting became the only way to reach me and the PRESSURE intensified so much. Everyone wanted to know what happened and I couldn't explain it 40 times. I ended up putting my phone on Do Not Disturb permanently and checking messages once a day. It helped. The world didn't end.

The guilt is real but so is the executive dysfunction around communication. 💛 I've been upfront with my close friends: "I love you. I care about you. I'm terrible at responding. It's not about you. My brain treats all messages as tasks and sometimes tasks are impossible." The friends who get it stay. The friends who don't... well, they weren't gonna work long-term anyway.

This is such a common autistic/ADHD experience and it's almost always pathologized as "social avoidance" when it's actually executive dysfunction + demand avoidance + energy management. Responding to a text isn't JUST typing words. It's: read the message, process the content, formulate an appropriate response, consider tone, re-read, send, handle whatever response comes back, maintain the conversation thread, remember to check back later. That's like seven steps. For someone with executive dysfunction, that's seven points of failure.

I've started telling people: "I'm not a reliable texter. If you need me urgently, call me. If you text me, I will respond eventually, but I can't promise when." Most people are fine with this. The ones who aren't were expecting a level of availability I can't provide.

voice notes. i literally cannot text back but i CAN ramble into my phone for two minutes. my friends get voice memos instead of texts now and it works way better for my brain.

@lil_pawz voice notes are a game changer. i still feel weird leaving them but it's so much easier than typing.

I have a few pre-written scripts in my Notes app for when I finally reply after a long gap: - "Hey! I'm so sorry for the delayed response — low social battery week. How are you?" - "No excuses, just late. 💛 What's new?" - "I didn't forget about you, my brain just took the scenic route. How are things?" Having the script removes the "how do I even START this message after three weeks of silence" barrier.

@the_raccoon_king "My brain took the scenic route" — stealing that immediately.

I want to normalize something: you don't owe anyone instant availability. The expectation that we should be reachable 24/7 is less than 20 years old. Before smartphones, people left voicemails and it was normal to take DAYS to return a call. Our nervous systems didn't evolve for constant accessibility. You're not broken — the expectation is broken.

i lost a friendship over this once. she said "if you cared about me you'd respond faster." and i tried to explain that it's not about how much i care, it's about how my brain works, and she didn't get it. it still hurts but i'm trying to accept that some people won't understand.

@crayon_cryptid Losing a friendship over response time is genuinely painful and I'm sorry. But someone who makes your disability about their feelings isn't a safe person long-term. It hurts now, but you're better off with friends who understand.

i have one friend who just sends me memes with no expectation of a response. no "hey how are you" no "why haven't you replied." just. a steady stream of memes. that's love. that's understanding.

@glitterglue meme-only communication is the purest form of friendship.

After I deleted my social media, texting became the only way to reach me and the PRESSURE intensified so much. Everyone wanted to know what happened and I couldn't explain it 40 times. I ended up putting my phone on Do Not Disturb permanently and checking messages once a day. It helped. The world didn't end.

thanks y'all. i just replied to my friend. she said "i figured you were in low-power mode, no worries." she gets it. i'm lucky. 💛