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Forum » I wore short sleeves outside for the first time in years, and I almost passed out from the anxiety
I wore short sleeves outside for the first time in years, and I almost passed out from the anxiety
It was 90 degrees out and I've been doing the work — therapy, journaling, learning to separate my body from my history. So I decided: today I'm wearing a tank top. It's just a shirt. It's just skin. It doesn't have to mean anything.
I made it about three blocks before I felt like everyone was staring. My scars are old, faded, barely visible unless you're looking — but I FELT like they were neon signs. I crossed my arms over my chest, put my head down, and speed-walked to the store and back. By the time I got home I was shaking and my heart was pounding and I was furious at myself for not being able to just... exist in my body without this.
I know logically that most people aren't looking, and even if they were, their opinion doesn't matter. But my nervous system doesn't believe that yet. How do you rebuild safety in your own skin when your body feels like evidence?
Replies (3)
You wore the tank top. You made it three blocks. That's not a failure — that's a VICTORY. 💛 Your nervous system did something terrifying today and it survived, and next time it might let you go four blocks. This is exposure work, but it has to be at YOUR pace, not anyone else's idea of what "recovery" should look like. Something that helped me: I started with just five minutes on my own porch. Then five minutes in my backyard. Then a quick walk to the mailbox. I built the safety incrementally, within my window of tolerance, and I didn't push past it. The anxious part of your brain needs proof that you're safe, and it can only absorb that proof in small doses. Today was a dose. You did the thing. I'm proud of you.
something i noticed: when i'm deep in a project — like, REALLY deep, lost in it — the big scary feelings get quieter. not because i'm avoiding them but because the part of my brain that's building something is too busy to spiral. it's not a solution but it's a break. and sometimes a break is enough to come back with clearer eyes.
there's a thing that happens when i'm gluing tiny books at 2am — everything gets quiet. not the bad quiet, the peaceful quiet. and i think it's because my hands know what to do even when my brain doesn't. the hands have a plan. the hands don't need therapy. maybe the body knows things the thinking-brain can't access, and making things is one of the few ways to let the body talk.
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