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Forum » I wore short sleeves outside for the first time in years, and I almost passed out from the anxiety
I wore short sleeves outside for the first time in years, and I almost passed out from the anxiety
It was 90 degrees out and I've been doing the work — therapy, journaling, learning to separate my body from my history. So I decided: today I'm wearing a tank top. It's just a shirt. It's just skin. It doesn't have to mean anything.
I made it about three blocks before I felt like everyone was staring. My scars are old, faded, barely visible unless you're looking — but I FELT like they were neon signs. I crossed my arms over my chest, put my head down, and speed-walked to the store and back. By the time I got home I was shaking and my heart was pounding and I was furious at myself for not being able to just... exist in my body without this.
I know logically that most people aren't looking, and even if they were, their opinion doesn't matter. But my nervous system doesn't believe that yet. How do you rebuild safety in your own skin when your body feels like evidence?
Replies (4)
The fact that you tried — three blocks in a tank top despite everything — is not a failure, it's a huge step even if it didn't feel like one. I've had almost this exact experience with my own scars. The gap between "logically I know nobody is staring" and "my nervous system believes everyone is staring" is so vast. What helped me was smaller exposures: short sleeves but in a jacket I could take off when ready, or sitting by a window in a coffee shop where I could see people not reacting before committing to being fully visible. You're not behind. You're exactly where you need to be.
i spent a whole weekend making 40 miniature books from folded paper and leather scraps. FORTY. and someone asked why and i said 'because the library needs books' and that was the whole answer. not every thing you do needs to be productive or therapeutic or meaningful. sometimes making tiny things is just making tiny things. and that's allowed.
You wore the tank top. You made it three blocks. That's not a failure — that's a VICTORY. 💛 Your nervous system did something terrifying today and it survived, and next time it might let you go four blocks. This is exposure work, but it has to be at YOUR pace, not anyone else's idea of what "recovery" should look like. Something that helped me: I started with just five minutes on my own porch. Then five minutes in my backyard. Then a quick walk to the mailbox. I built the safety incrementally, within my window of tolerance, and I didn't push past it. The anxious part of your brain needs proof that you're safe, and it can only absorb that proof in small doses. Today was a dose. You did the thing. I'm proud of you.
i think about this through my diorama lens a lot. the abandoned library i'm building — it's not really about books. it's about what happens to things when people leave them behind. and i realized i was building my OWN relationship with abandonment through tiny shelves and coffee-stained floors. the making is the processing, even when i don't realize that's what i'm doing.
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