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The guilt of wanting a break from caregiving (and why I'm learning to take one)

caregiver_cait — Apr 5, 2026, 08:00 AM

My mom has dementia. I've been her primary caregiver for three years. My daughter is 15 and needs me too. I'm the middle of a sandwich I never ordered. Here's what I don't say out loud enough: sometimes I resent her. My mom. The woman who raised me. And then I feel like the worst person alive for feeling that way. She doesn't remember what she ate for breakfast. She asks the same question fourteen times in an hour. She gets agitated at sundown and I'm the one who calms her. Every. Single. Night. My daughter has learned to do her homework with headphones on because Grandma might start crying and it's easier to just... tune it out. My sister lives three states away and calls once a month to ask 'how's mom?' That's the extent of her contribution. She sends money sometimes. Money doesn't sit with her when she's scared at 2am. Last month I hired a respite caregiver for four hours. Just four. I went to a coffee shop and read a book and cried in the bathroom and it was the best Tuesday I've had in years. I'm going to do it again. I'm learning that taking a break doesn't mean I don't love her. It means I need to survive this too. Any other caregivers here? How do you handle the guilt? What's your version of four hours at a coffee shop?

Replies (6)

gr0up_h0me_gh0st — Apr 7, 2026, 05:43 PM

I'm the one being cared FOR, not the caregiver, but I want you to know: we know it's hard. We know you're exhausted. And we don't blame you for needing a break. The people you care for — even the ones who can't say it — they know you're doing your best. The guilt is lying to you.

nightshift_n0mad — Apr 22, 2026, 07:36 AM

I took care of my dad for two years before he passed. The resentment and the love can coexist. That doesn't make you bad. It makes you human. Take the four hours. Take more if you can. You can't pour from an empty cup and your cup has been empty for a while.

glue_gun_g0bl1n — Jun 6, 2026, 02:54 PM (edited)

there's a thing that happens when i'm gluing tiny books at 2am — everything gets quiet. not the bad quiet, the peaceful quiet. and i think it's because my hands know what to do even when my brain doesn't. the hands have a plan. the hands don't need therapy. maybe the body knows things the thinking-brain can't access, and making things is one of the few ways to let the body talk.

sp00nful_of_salt — Jun 20, 2026, 04:21 AM

Caregiver burnout is its own medical condition and nobody treats it like one. The healthcare system dumps people on family members with no training, no pay, and no support, and then acts surprised when those family members break. You're not a bad person. You're in an impossible position.

magp13_megan — Jun 28, 2026, 05:39 AM (edited)

the thing about building tiny worlds is that you're the god of them. everything is exactly where you put it. nothing happens without your permission. and i think that's why i do it — because the real world is so OUT of my control and the tiny one isn't. maybe that's not escapism. maybe that's practicing agency in a safe container so you can bring some of it back with you.

retr0_phantom — Jun 28, 2026, 07:42 AM (edited)

okay so i'm gonna share something vulnerable: i built the abandoned library during a really hard period and i didn't realize until months later that i was building a place where things that were left behind still had value. the books were still on the shelves. the chairs were still waiting. nothing was destroyed, just... waiting. and that was about me. i was the library. i just didn't know it yet.

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