The Unadulting Society

I have a tiered response system based on who's asking and how much energy I have: Level 1 (low energy): "Okay." And then I change the subject. Level 2 (medium energy): "What does autism look like to you?" Level 3 (high energy): "You're thinking of the stereotype of a nonverbal 8-year-old white boy. Autism looks like me. It looks like the woman in the grocery store wearing sunglasses indoors. It looks like your coworker who eats the same lunch every day. It looks like the person who can't make eye contact but can tell you everything about 18th century naval history. You don't see it because you've been trained not to."

"what does autism look like?" is my go-to. just deadpan. make them explain.

"and you don't look ignorant but here we are" — i've never actually said this out loud but i think about it constantly.

@dino_nuggie_dad "I've been practicing" is INCREDIBLE. Using that.

"You don't look autistic" is one of those statements that reveals so much about the speaker. They think they're giving a compliment. "You pass as normal!" They don't realize they're saying "you've successfully hidden your disability from me, the arbiter of what disability looks like." My response: "That's because you've only seen one version of autism, and it's the version Hollywood made up."

My mom said it to me. "You don't seem autistic, you've always been so normal." Mom. Mom. I had a meltdown every morning before school for six years. I ate exactly four foods until I was 17. I couldn't wear jeans until college. What part of that was "normal"?

"and you don't look like a diagnostician" is simple, effective, and shuts down the conversation.

I haven't been told this yet but I'm DREADING it. I don't have a diagnosis, I'm self-suspected, and the imposter syndrome is already so loud. If someone says "you don't seem autistic" I'm afraid I'll just... believe them.

I think sometimes a gentle education approach works better than snark (though I LOVE the snark). "A lot of people have a very narrow idea of what autism looks like. It's actually a really broad spectrum and most autistic adults don't match the stereotype." It gives them an off-ramp from their own ignorance without shaming them. But also: you don't owe anyone education. If you don't have the energy, "okay" and walking away is completely valid.

"i keep it in my pocket, actually. want to see?"

"what does autism look like?" is my go-to. just deadpan. make them explain.

I have a tiered response system based on who's asking and how much energy I have: Level 1 (low energy): "Okay." And then I change the subject. Level 2 (medium energy): "What does autism look like to you?" Level 3 (high energy): "You're thinking of the stereotype of a nonverbal 8-year-old white boy. Autism looks like me. It looks like the woman in the grocery store wearing sunglasses indoors. It looks like your coworker who eats the same lunch every day. It looks like the person who can't make eye contact but can tell you everything about 18th century naval history. You don't see it because you've been trained not to."

My favorite response, delivered completely seriously: "Thank you! I've been practicing." It confuses people so much. They don't know whether to laugh or apologize.

"You don't look autistic" is one of those statements that reveals so much about the speaker. They think they're giving a compliment. "You pass as normal!" They don't realize they're saying "you've successfully hidden your disability from me, the arbiter of what disability looks like." My response: "That's because you've only seen one version of autism, and it's the version Hollywood made up."

My mom said it to me. "You don't seem autistic, you've always been so normal." Mom. Mom. I had a meltdown every morning before school for six years. I ate exactly four foods until I was 17. I couldn't wear jeans until college. What part of that was "normal"?

@tentative_fern The parents who "don't see it" are sometimes the ones who worked hardest to suppress it. "You're not autistic, you're just sensitive/quirky/dramatic/picky" — they renamed every trait so they wouldn't have to face it.

"and you don't look like a diagnostician" is simple, effective, and shuts down the conversation.

@noodle_arms this made me snort out loud. stealing it.

I haven't been told this yet but I'm DREADING it. I don't have a diagnosis, I'm self-suspected, and the imposter syndrome is already so loud. If someone says "you don't seem autistic" I'm afraid I'll just... believe them.

@crayon_cryptid I want you to know: someone else's ignorance doesn't make you less autistic. Their opinion is based on stereotypes, not on your lived experience. You know your brain. You know your history. You know what makes sense now that didn't make sense before. A stranger's (or friend's, or family member's) "you don't look autistic" changes exactly nothing about your reality.

Carol better watch out. The entire forum is armed now. 💛