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Forum » How do you explain age regression to a partner who doesn't get it?
How do you explain age regression to a partner who doesn't get it?
I've been with my boyfriend for two years and he's generally supportive, but I've never really explained my age regression to him. He knows I like "kid stuff" — coloring books, cartoons, stuffed animals — and he's never made me feel weird about it. But he also doesn't _understand_ it, and I think he assumes it's just a quirky hobby.
Last week I was really stressed and regressed involuntarily — like, I found myself on the floor with my childhood blanket just rocking — and he came home early and saw me. He was kind about it, but he looked confused and a little concerned, and he asked "is everything okay?" and I just... didn't know what to say.
How do I start this conversation? I don't want to overwhelm him with terminology, but I also don't want to minimize something that's actually really important to me. What did you say to your partner?
Replies (13)
@glitterglue The letter idea is really smart actually — I also get all jumbled when I try to talk in the moment. Did your partner have questions after reading it? Like did they need to talk about it or was the letter enough?
I think one of the most important things I've learned is to separate the "what" from the "why." When I first tried to explain it to my wife, I got lost in definitions of age regression vs. age play vs. inner child work and her eyes glazed over. What actually landed was:
"What: Sometimes I need to color, watch cartoons, cuddle stuffed animals, and speak in a softer voice. It feels natural and comforting.
Why: It helps me access feelings of safety that I didn't get as a kid. It's not about avoiding adulthood — it's about giving my nervous system a break from it."
Keep it simple. You can always add nuance later.
i straight up told my partner "you know how some people meditate or do yoga to decompress? this is my version of that. except instead of breathing exercises i watch Bluey and hold my stuffed dragon." he was like "...okay cool" and that was pretty much it. some partners just need to know it's not a crisis.
I want to name something that took me way too long to realize: if your partner is kind but confused, that's a good starting place. Confusion can be worked with. Contempt can't. Your boyfriend didn't mock you or get angry — he asked if you were okay. That's a green flag.
When I told my now-wife about my regression, the script I used was basically: "This is something I do to feel safe. It started before I met you and it will probably always be part of me. You don't have to participate, but I want you to know about it because I don't want to hide parts of myself from you." She asked if I wanted her to like, "play along," and I said no — just knowing she knows was enough for me at the time. Over time she's gotten more comfortable and will sometimes bring me a blanket or put on a comfort show without me asking. But it grew slowly.
my partner was confused at first and then one day he just started bringing me snacks when i was regressed without saying anything about it. now he's like, the official snack bringer. sometimes they just need to see it's not a big scary thing over time.
The article "How to Talk to Your Therapist About Age Regression" on the main site has some scripts that also work for partners! The framing of "this is a tool, not a symptom" is really helpful.
Also: if he's a reader, there's an article called "How to Support Someone Who Age Regresses" that's written specifically for partners. Might be good to have on deck for after the conversation.
Okay but can I just say how scary it is to even think about having this conversation? Reading y'all's experiences makes me feel like maybe it's possible but I'm also genuinely terrified. What if he thinks it's weird and leaves? I know "if he leaves he wasn't right for you" but that doesn't make it less scary.
Oh honey, I've been exactly where you are. The "I walked in and you looked... different" conversation. It's so vulnerable. 💛
What worked for me was writing it out first. I get tangled up when I try to explain things verbally, so I wrote my partner a letter — not an essay, just a page — that basically said: "Sometimes my brain needs to not be an adult for a while. It helps me process stress and feel safe. It's not a regression in the medical sense — it's more like permission to be soft. When you see me like that, I don't need you to DO anything. I just need you to not be scared."
@seashelleyes He had questions! But the letter gave him a framework so the questions were thoughtful instead of panicky. He asked things like "how do I know when you're regressed vs. just hanging out?" and "should I interact differently?" which were way better than the spiral I was afraid of.
i straight up told my partner "you know how some people meditate or do yoga to decompress? this is my version of that. except instead of breathing exercises i watch Bluey and hold my stuffed dragon." he was like "...okay cool" and that was pretty much it. some partners just need to know it's not a crisis.
my partner was confused at first and then one day he just started bringing me snacks when i was regressed without saying anything about it. now he's like, the official snack bringer. sometimes they just need to see it's not a big scary thing over time.
The article "How to Talk to Your Therapist About Age Regression" on the main site has some scripts that also work for partners! The framing of "this is a tool, not a symptom" is really helpful.
Also: if he's a reader, there's an article called "How to Support Someone Who Age Regresses" that's written specifically for partners. Might be good to have on deck for after the conversation.
@crayon_cryptid I won't give you "if he leaves he wasn't right for you" because you already know that. What I will say is: you don't have to tell him everything at once. You can start small. "Hey, sometimes I watch cartoons and color because it helps me relax — just wanted you to know that's a thing I do." See how he reacts to the small version before sharing the bigger one.
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