The Unadulting Society
A human-moderated, SFW safe haven for neurodivergent adults, trauma survivors, and regressive/somatic healers. Zero tolerance for bad actors.
Forum » How do you set boundaries with family who don't "believe in" your diagnosis?
How do you set boundaries with family who don't "believe in" your diagnosis?
My mom still hasn't really accepted my autism diagnosis. She doesn't say it's wrong, exactly — she just... changes the subject when I bring it up. Or says things like "well, I don't see you that way" or "everyone's a little different."
I'm trying to unmask around my family — letting myself stim, wearing earplugs, not forcing eye contact — but every time I do, I feel this tension. Like I'm making them uncomfortable. Like I'm "acting more autistic" on purpose. And the worst part is that I start doubting myself. Maybe I AM making it up? Maybe I SHOULD just try harder?
How have you handled unsupportive family? Did you keep trying or did you eventually give up? I don't want to lose my mom but I also don't want to keep shrinking myself for her comfort.
Replies (10)
Oh I feel this in my bones. 💛 "Everyone's a little different" is the dismissive cousin of "you don't look autistic."
Something that helped me: I stopped trying to convince my mom and started setting behavioral boundaries instead. "Mom, I'm going to wear my earplugs at dinner because the restaurant noise is overwhelming for me. I'm not asking for your opinion on my diagnosis — I'm telling you what I need to function." It shifted the conversation from "is my diagnosis real?" (which she can argue about) to "this is what I need" (which she can either accept or not, but can't argue).
"acting more autistic" — yeah, my family said this too. what they don't understand is that i was "acting less autistic" for 25 years and it almost killed me. what looks like "more autistic" is actually just... me. existing. without the mask.
i gave up. not in a dramatic way, just... stopped bringing it up. i wear my earplugs, i stim, i leave early when i'm overwhelmed. i don't explain anymore. i just do what i need to do. if they're uncomfortable, that's their problem.
"Everyone's a little different" and "I don't see you that way" are both forms of benevolent denial. The speaker thinks they're being kind — "I see the real you, not the label." But what they're actually saying is "your disability makes me uncomfortable and I'd prefer to pretend it doesn't exist."
You have options:
- Educate (exhausting, often futile)
- Set boundaries without justifying them ("I'll be wearing earplugs when we visit")
- Limit exposure (shorter visits, public places where you can leave easily)
- Grieve and accept (let go of the hope that they'll understand)
None of these is wrong. You get to choose what you have capacity for.
@the_raccoon_king "Their denial is about their own guilt." This is so important. Thank you for naming it.
Something I've learned: parents often resist the diagnosis because accepting it means accepting that they missed it. That they watched their child struggle for years and didn't help. That's a heavy thing to face. Their denial is about their own guilt, not about your reality.
That doesn't excuse it. But understanding it helped me stop taking it personally.
my mom said "but you were such a happy child" and i said "i was having meltdowns every day after school, you just weren't there to see them." she didn't have a response. sometimes the truth just needs to be said once, even if it doesn't change anything.
@the_raccoon_king I never thought about it that way. My mom was the one who told me to "stop being so sensitive" and "just try harder." If she accepts I'm autistic, she has to accept that she was wrong. That's... a lot.
i haven't told my parents. i'm self-suspected and i know they won't believe me. so i just... accommodate myself without naming it. "i'm going to step outside for some air" instead of "i'm overstimulated." "i'm not hungry right now" instead of "those foods are sensory nightmares for me." it's not ideal but it protects my peace.
@crayon_cryptid "accommodating myself without naming it" — this is the survival strategy. you don't owe anyone the vocabulary. just do what you need.
Log in to reply.
« Back to forum