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Forum » I'm parenting my kids differently and it's healing something in me
I'm parenting my kids differently and it's healing something in me
My daughter had a meltdown this morning because her sock felt wrong. The seam was bothering her. And instead of saying what my parents would have said — "stop being dramatic, they're just socks" — I said "let's find different socks. What kind feels better?"
She picked out seamless socks. We were five minutes late for school. Nobody died.
And then I sat in the car and cried, because I realized: I'm giving her what I never got. Every time I validate her feelings instead of dismissing them, every time I accommodate her sensory needs instead of shaming them, every time I apologize when I lose my temper — I'm parenting her AND I'm reparenting the small version of me.
Is anyone else experiencing this? Parenting your kids in a way that heals your own childhood simultaneously?
Replies (12)
Not a parent but I'm an aunt and I FEEL this. My niece is clearly neurodivergent and watching my sister parent her with patience and accommodations that none of us got as kids... it's healing something I didn't know was broken. Every time someone says "it's okay, take your time" to a struggling child, they're also saying it to every adult who never heard those words.
I'm not a parent (and probably won't be — the parentification left me with no desire to raise more children) but I mentor teenagers and I see myself in them constantly. When one of them apologizes for crying, I say "you don't have to apologize for having feelings." And every time I say it, I'm saying it to 15-year-old me who was told to "stop being so sensitive."
This is called "generative parenting" in the research — parenting in a way that consciously breaks cycles you experienced as harmful. It's incredibly powerful and also incredibly exhausting because you're doing two things at once: raising your child AND reparenting yourself. Give yourself credit for both.
@dino_nuggie_dad The sock story made me tear up. "Let's find different socks." Five simple words that would have changed my entire childhood. You're a good dad.
not a parent but i'm the oldest sibling and i parented my younger siblings and now when i interact with kids i'm SO careful about the things that hurt me. "you're not in trouble, i just want to understand." "it's okay to be upset." "you can say no." simple sentences that nobody ever said to me.
the "and then i sat in my car and cried" part. yeah. that part. the grief that comes with realizing how easy it would have been for the adults in your life to just... be kind. and they didn't.
@overstimulated_owl That's exactly it. The kindness is SO EASY. It cost me nothing to say "let's find different socks." The five-minute delay was negligible. And yet my parents couldn't manage it. That grief catches me off guard.
@dino_nuggie_dad I think the grief IS the healing. You're sad because you're finally acknowledging that what happened to you wasn't okay. That's not a regression — that's processing. 💛
i'm not a parent but i'm a dog mom and even THAT has shown me how much i internalized harsh parenting. my dog is scared of loud noises and instead of forcing her to "get over it," i make her a safe space and sit with her. and every time i do, i think — why couldn't someone have done this for me?
There's something so radical about treating children like whole human beings with valid internal experiences. It shouldn't be radical. But for those of us who weren't treated that way, it feels revolutionary every time we do it.
my mom has started apologizing for things she did when i was a kid and it's weirdly healing. she'll say "i didn't know about sensory stuff back then, i'm sorry i made you wear those scratchy sweaters" and it's 20 years too late but it still helps. if you're a parent who's learning and growing, your kids notice. even the adult ones.
@noodle_arms My mom has started doing this too and it's... complicated. I appreciate it AND I'm still angry. Both things can be true.
Thank you everyone. I needed this thread today. Jeremiah the frog and I are going to go pick up my daughter from school now. She's wearing seamless socks. 💛
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