The Unadulting Society

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My Houseplant's LinkedIn: Skills, Endorsements, and a Cry for Water

jellycatjamie — Apr 4, 2026, 07:12 AM

Give your houseplant (or a plant you've killed, no judgment) a professional resume. What's its job title? What are its skills? Has it received any performance reviews? My succulent Gerald II: "Chief Oxygen Officer at Marin Household Inc. — 6 months. Responsible for converting carbon dioxide into oxygen, maintaining structural rigidity, and providing aesthetic value to the windowsill. Skills: Photosynthesis (Advanced), Looking Cute (Expert), Not Dying Despite Owner's Best Efforts (Intermediate). Previous role: Gerald I (Deceased — overwatered incident, management takes full responsibility)."

Replies (6)

s0urd0ugh_star — Apr 13, 2026, 05:41 AM (edited)

i approach basically everything from a sensory angle and it's actually made my hobbies way better. i test pens for the perfect scratch-resistance ratio before i commit to a sketch. i have opinions about paper weight. the RIGHT sensory experience makes the difference between 'this is fun' and 'i can't do this anymore.' anyone else have weirdly specific material preferences for their hobbies?

sk3tch3s — Apr 18, 2026, 05:45 AM (edited)

i have a theory that fidget toys and hobby tools are cousins. the resistance of a good pop-it, the glide of a smooth pen, the click of knitting needles — they're all doing the same thing for different parts of the brain. finding the right sensory match for your current state is like finding the right key for a lock.

jellycatjamie — May 1, 2026, 09:34 AM

my cactus spike: "Executive Vice President of Prickly Operations — 2 years. Specializing in low-maintenance existence and passive-aggressive water consumption. Won employee of the month every month because management forgot other plants existed. Skills include: Surviving Neglect, Looking Sharp, Refusing to Bloom."

tentativefern — May 7, 2026, 03:00 AM

my peace lily wilma: "Drama Department Head — 18 months. Expert at communicating needs through theatrical wilting. Will appear near death if watering is three hours late. Fully recovers within minutes of hydration. Skills: Emotional Manipulation, Dramatic Performances, Rapid Recovery." five stars on airbnb for wilma.

floatybearnook751 — May 19, 2026, 07:58 PM

my pothos plant kevin: "Growth Strategist — 3 years. Has successfully expanded operations from one shelf to four shelves, the curtain rod, and an unsanctioned takeover of the neighbor's balcony. Skills: Vining, Trailing, Unauthorized Expansion. Currently in mediation with management regarding territorial boundaries."

latebl00mer_ben — Jun 5, 2026, 12:57 AM (edited)

There's something about working with your hands that reconnects you to being human in a way screens never can. I strip rust off old cast iron pans. My friend builds model trains. Another friend bakes sourdough. Different tools, same impulse — making something tangible in a world that increasingly wants everything to be digital and disposable.

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