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Forum » The paradox of fearing abandonment but also needing total solitude for days
The paradox of fearing abandonment but also needing total solitude for days
I don't understand my own wiring. When a friend doesn't text back for a few hours, I spiral into "they're done with me, I've been abandoned, nobody will ever stay." But also: if someone wants to hang out more than once a week, I feel suffocated and panicky and start planning my escape. I need people to STAY but I also need them to stay FAR AWAY, and I don't know how to hold both of those truths at the same time without feeling like a walking contradiction.
My ideal relationship would be: someone who loves me unconditionally, texts me good morning every day, and then leaves me completely alone for five days. Which is not a reasonable ask and I know that. But the craving for connection and the craving for solitude are both so intense, and they seem to be fighting each other inside my chest.
Does anyone else have this? How do you negotiate it in actual relationships?
Replies (4)
something i learned from my sketchbook practice: the physical sensation of the right pen on the right paper is as regulating as the act of drawing itself. i wonder if that applies to other things too — like, maybe the joy isn't just in the hobby, maybe it's also in the texture and weight and sound of the materials.
This is such a real and valid paradox. What helped me reframe it: the fear of abandonment and the need for solitude aren't opposites — they're both about SAFETY. Abandonment fear says "I need connection to feel safe." Solitude need says "I need distance to regulate my nervous system." Both are legitimate safety needs. In a healthy relationship, you can create agreements that honor both: "I will text you good morning and goodnight so you know I'm still here, AND we'll schedule intentional alone days where neither of us has to perform connection." The right person won't experience your solitude need as rejection — they'll understand it as regulation. 💛
you just described my entire existence. i want to be deeply known AND completely invisible. i want my partner to exist in the next room, available but not interacting. parallel existence. the only thing that's worked is dating other neurodivergent people who ALSO need lots of alone time. we call it "together alone" — we're in the same house, doing our own things, and that counts as quality time for both of us. neurotypical partners have struggled with this. neurodivergent partners get it immediately.
my sketchbook is full of repeating patterns. spirals, cross-hatching, concentric circles. i draw them when i'm overwhelmed and it's like my hand is saying 'shhh, shhh, shhh' to my brain. repetitive motion is underrated. it's not boring — it's grounding.
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