The Unadulting Society

Phone calls are a hostile communication format and I will not be convinced otherwise. The fact that society decided "spontaneous audio-only conversation with a stranger" is the default for important things like healthcare and banking is genuinely ableist. My survival strategies: - Scripting: I write down what I need to say before the call. Literally a bullet-point script. - "I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you, could you repeat that?" (buys processing time) - Online portals, chat support, email — I will spend 20 minutes finding an alternative before I make a 5-minute call. - For unavoidable calls: I schedule them. Tuesday at 10am. I prepare all day Monday. The anticipation is worse than the call itself.

i have 23 unplayed voicemails. some of them are over a year old. i've accepted that i will never listen to them and i'm at peace with that.

my voicemail message literally says "don't leave a voicemail, text me." people leave voicemails anyway. i do not listen to them. that's on them.

i make my partner make my phone calls. he doesn't mind and i handle the things i'm good at (online research, scheduling, organizing). we trade tasks based on ability. that's a legitimate accommodation.

Phone anxiety is extremely common in autism and ADHD. It combines multiple challenging elements: auditory processing (no visual cues), social anxiety (no do-overs), executive function (initiating and sustaining a conversation), and demand avoidance (the ringing phone is a DEMAND, right now, with no warning). What helped me: reframing phone calls as a disability accommodation issue rather than personal weakness. I ask for alternatives. "Do you have an online booking system?" "Can we handle this over email?" "I have a disability that makes phone calls difficult" — you don't have to disclose what disability. Most businesses are required to provide reasonable alternatives.

The anticipatory anxiety is worse than the actual call. I've tracked it: I will spend 4 hours dreading a 7-minute phone call. The call itself is fine. The 4 hours of dread are the actual problem. My solution: I schedule calls for first thing in the morning. If I have a call at 9am, I only have to dread it for 60-90 minutes (wake up, drink coffee, make the call) instead of all day. Front-load the discomfort.

I put phone calls on my to-do list as separate items. "Call dentist" is one checkbox. Just seeing it as a discrete task instead of an amorphous dread-blob helps me actually do it.

i pace during phone calls. always. can't sit still. the movement helps process the audio somehow. my partner says i walk in circles around the kitchen island like a shark. a phone-shark.

@the_raccoon_king I pace too!! Something about the movement helps me focus on the words. Sitting still + phone call = impossible.

i use a fidget toy during phone calls. something i can do with one hand while holding the phone with the other. it occupies the anxious part of my brain so the rest of me can focus on the conversation.

speakerphone. i literally cannot hold a phone to my ear. the audio quality is worse BUT i don't have the sensory overwhelm of something pressed against my face. tradeoffs.

I hold Barnaby during phone calls. Having something soft to squeeze and pet helps regulate me. It sounds childish. It works.

I've started being honest with people: "I'm really bad at phone calls, can we do this over text?" Most people are fine with it. The ones who insist on calling — I let it go to voicemail and text them "hey, saw I missed your call, what's up?" Eventually they learn.

@ghostedmyself "Eventually they learn" — the training works both ways. we train ourselves to tolerate phone calls, but we can also train others to text. fair is fair.

This thread is making me feel so seen. Phone calls aren't morally superior to texting. They're not "more professional" or "more adult." They're one communication format among many, and for some brains, they're actively hostile. There's no virtue in suffering through them. Use the format that works for you. 💛