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Forum » Unapologetic softness in a world that punishes it — am I brave or just too autistic to hide?
Unapologetic softness in a world that punishes it — am I brave or just too autistic to hide?
i've been thinking about the line between "bravely refusing to hide your softness" and "not realizing you're supposed to hide it." before my diagnosis, i posted my plushie collection, my coloring pages, my comfort content without any awareness that people might mock it. i wasn't being brave. i literally didn't know that adults weren't "supposed" to do that. my autism meant i missed the social memo.
post-diagnosis, i know. i know there are forums dedicated to finding people like me and turning our joy into content. i know posting my jellycats publicly is a risk. and i do it anyway, sometimes. but now there's fear attached. now i'm aware of the audience i didn't know existed.
i miss the innocence. i miss posting without knowing. is there a way to post authentically after you've seen what's out there? or does knowledge always come with a tax?
Replies (6)
the thing about building tiny worlds is that you're the god of them. everything is exactly where you put it. nothing happens without your permission. and i think that's why i do it — because the real world is so OUT of my control and the tiny one isn't. maybe that's not escapism. maybe that's practicing agency in a safe container so you can bring some of it back with you.
okay so i'm gonna share something vulnerable: i built the abandoned library during a really hard period and i didn't realize until months later that i was building a place where things that were left behind still had value. the books were still on the shelves. the chairs were still waiting. nothing was destroyed, just... waiting. and that was about me. i was the library. i just didn't know it yet.
"I miss the innocence. I miss posting without knowing." This is so real and so tender. 💛 There's a specific grief in losing the ability to be unselfconsciously yourself online. Before you knew about the harassment machine, posting was just... posting. Now every post comes with a risk assessment. That's not paranoia. That's knowledge. And knowledge changes things. I don't think you can ever fully go back to the innocence. But you can build spaces — like this forum — where the risk is lower, where the audience is vetted, where softness is the norm instead of the exception. It's not the same as the wide-open innocence of before. But it's still softness. It still counts.
i think about this all the time. i posted my art online for YEARS before i knew anyone could just... take it and mock it. now i hesitate before every post. but i keep posting anyway, just in smaller, safer spaces. i think the "tax" you pay for knowledge is that posting becomes a deliberate choice instead of an automatic one. you're not less authentic. you're just more intentional. and maybe that's okay.
"I miss the innocence. I miss posting without knowing." This is so real and so tender. 💛 There's a specific grief in losing the ability to be unselfconsciously yourself online. Before you knew about the harassment machine, posting was just... posting. Now every post comes with a risk assessment. That's not paranoia. That's knowledge. And knowledge changes things. I don't think you can ever fully go back to the innocence. But you can build spaces — like this forum — where the risk is lower, where the audience is vetted, where softness is the norm instead of the exception. It's not the same as the wide-open innocence of before. But it's still softness. It still counts.
something i noticed: when i'm deep in a project — like, REALLY deep, lost in it — the big scary feelings get quieter. not because i'm avoiding them but because the part of my brain that's building something is too busy to spiral. it's not a solution but it's a break. and sometimes a break is enough to come back with clearer eyes.
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