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Forum » The Fawn response: I apologize when OTHER people bump into ME
The Fawn response: I apologize when OTHER people bump into ME
Someone bumped into me on the subway today. THEY bumped into ME. And I immediately said "oh, sorry!" — and then spent the next ten minutes feeling embarrassed for apologizing, and then feeling embarrassed for being embarrassed, and then apologizing to myself in my head for the whole spiral.
This is the fawn response, isn't it? The automatic deference, the reflexive apologizing, the way I make myself smaller and more agreeable and less threatening the moment anyone even glances at me. I've been doing it so long I don't even notice until someone points it out. My therapist said last week: "You apologized three times in the first five minutes of our session, and you hadn't done anything wrong." I didn't even realize I'd done it.
How do you unlearn something that's become as automatic as breathing?
Replies (4)
The fawn response is so insidious because it LOOKS like politeness or agreeableness, and society rewards it, especially in women and AFAB people. You're "so sweet," "so nice," "so easy to get along with" — and meanwhile you're dissociating from your own needs entirely. 💛 Something that helped me: I replaced "sorry" with "thank you" where possible. Instead of "sorry I'm late" — "thank you for waiting." Instead of "sorry for venting" — "thank you for listening." Instead of "sorry for taking up space" — nothing. Just take the space. The physical reflex of apologizing won't disappear overnight, but you can start catching it AFTER it happens and mentally revising: "I apologized, but I didn't need to. Next time, I'll try a different response." The goal isn't perfection. It's awareness.
the thing about building tiny worlds is that you're the god of them. everything is exactly where you put it. nothing happens without your permission. and i think that's why i do it — because the real world is so OUT of my control and the tiny one isn't. maybe that's not escapism. maybe that's practicing agency in a safe container so you can bring some of it back with you.
the ice cube trick. when everything is too much and i can't think and my brain is screaming — ice cube in each hand. just hold them. the cold is so specific and so localized that it pulls my brain out of the spiral and into my palms. it doesn't fix anything. but it stops the spiral long enough for me to breathe. that's all it needs to do.
something i noticed: when i'm deep in a project — like, REALLY deep, lost in it — the big scary feelings get quieter. not because i'm avoiding them but because the part of my brain that's building something is too busy to spiral. it's not a solution but it's a break. and sometimes a break is enough to come back with clearer eyes.
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