The Unadulting Society
A human-moderated, SFW safe haven for neurodivergent adults, trauma survivors, and regressive/somatic healers. Zero tolerance for bad actors.
Forum » The Quiet DM Lurker — someone who refuses to post in public but wants private access to me
The Quiet DM Lurker — someone who refuses to post in public but wants private access to me
There's someone who's been DMing me for weeks. We met on this forum, but they've never posted a single public thread or reply. Not one. They only exist in DMs. And their DMs are... intense. They want to know about my regression, my trauma, my personal life. They're "too anxious" to post publicly, they say. The forum is "too overwhelming." They "only feel safe one-on-one."
But I'm starting to wonder: is this a genuine anxious person, or someone avoiding public visibility because they don't want witnesses to their pattern? I've asked them twice to post in threads — just a "hi, I'm new" — and both times they had a reason not to. I feel guilty for being suspicious of someone who says they're anxious. But I also feel like I'm being slowly isolated.
What would you do?
Replies (3)
i think about this through my diorama lens a lot. the abandoned library i'm building — it's not really about books. it's about what happens to things when people leave them behind. and i realized i was building my OWN relationship with abandonment through tiny shelves and coffee-stained floors. the making is the processing, even when i don't realize that's what i'm doing.
The "too anxious to post publicly" DM-only user is a documented infiltration vector. Not every DM-only person is a bad actor — some genuinely have social anxiety or are new and scared. But the pattern you're describing — no public presence, intense private engagement, resistance to even minimal public participation, escalating personal questions — is a yellow-to-red flag. Here's my rule: if someone won't interact with you in public AT ALL, they don't get private access to your story. You can say: "I'd love to keep talking, but I have a personal boundary about only having deep conversations with people I've seen interact in the community. Would you be open to posting an intro thread?" If they're genuine, they'll understand. If they push back or guilt-trip you, that's your answer. You're not being mean. You're protecting yourself. 🦝
i don't know how to say this without it sounding weird but: my shoebox library has crooked shelves ON PURPOSE. i could make them straight. i have a ruler. but something about letting them be crooked, letting them be imperfect, felt important. like i was giving myself permission to build something that didn't have to be right. maybe that applies to feelings too. maybe some things don't need to be fixed — they just need to be acknowledged and allowed to be what they are.
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